Thuh Misshun to M****

A while ago, some hoomins living with some of our bestest kitty friends were having a hard time. Bad hoomins were saying mean things that were not troo, and bad times filled wif lawsoots and unemployment and vishuss rumors loomed ahead. The hoomins on r.p.c.c. (rec.pets.cats.community) offered lots of words of comfort and encouragement, but we kitties decided to take things into our own paws and engage in direct action.

The Tuffgirlkitties led the way. They organized a mission to show the mean hoomins that they couldn’t mess wif any members of OUR clowder! A general land and air strike was decided on, with Major and his helicopter squadron flying over the City Hall (where the mean hoomins worked), dropping stinkbombs made up of used kitty litter, fresh poops contributed by everyone from dgs to donkeys, all the dirty clothes, smelly socks and old tennis shoes that kitties could drag from the backs of their hoomins’ closets, and whatever other yucky gloopy stuff anykitty could come up with. The Tuffgirlkitties were joined by the babycats in their own flying machine, the Dggie Brigade, members of the McClowder Pipe Band and the Siamese Cat Chorus, and other kitties who served as support staff and engaged in a variety of acts of sabotage designed to confuse and demoralize the enemy. Huge rumbly tanks complete with rocket launchers followed up the air attack with a ground strike.

A partial list of the participants was gathered by Omar, and included: Persephone, KitTen, Velvet, Hobbes, Rascal, Shadow da Beast of Tweny Thousan Meows, Major, Boris*, Sab, Ashley, Miranda, Zizi, Shadrach, Jezebel, Ripley, Tiny Tiger, Mahler, Harry, Yarrow, Mrs. Wiggles, Pouncer, Princess Pasha, Oprah Anne, Patches, Britches, Bootsie, Gizmo, Sassy, ‘tash, Christofur Esq., la Chance, Callie, Prissy, Stormy, Pauline, Rors, Riley, Sirius, Lucky, Bert VC, Intie, Brezzers, Kelly-wiv-da-broken-purr-motor, Tasha, Gretchen Marie, Nicky, Wiggles DOC, Bubba, Thaddeus+, Mietze, Cody, Bebe, Aurora SOC, Merlin da PhilosoCat, Callie, Marco (gurl kitty) Polo, Shahna, Jageeda, Dexter, Maxwell, Buster, Kitsen, Sasha, Sweetie, Longfellow, Ulysses, Squeak, Pinky thuh flamingo, Harry Houdini, Bandit, Mellsn, Bigman, Pandora, and our own Ballard Bunch: Ceilidh Flurrydance, Skye Silversong, and Talisker Pippin.

City Hall imposed a news blackout, so that the outside world had no idea this massive movement of cats, d*gs and other creatures was under way. However, an intrepid (and anonymous) local reporter did write an account of the events as they unfolded, and somehow managed to send the articles out into cyberspace in the hopes that someone somewhere would find them and come to the town’s rescue. Following are those articles, just as we found them floating in cyberspace and pasted them into our scrapbook.

“ICKY STUFF” DROPS ON CITY HALL

Recent personnel problems at City Hall were overshadowed this week by a series of mysterious occurrences observed both at City Hall and at other locations in town. The most notable of these was the sudden burial of one group of municipal offices as well as two private residences in piles of what one observer characterized as “really nasty smelly stuff that just dropped out of the sky.” City inspectors found piles of unwashed laundry, well-worn athletic socks, extremely old running shoes, used baby diapers, and large quantities of what one investigator described as “poo-poo.” Scientists examining the latter said that the materials appeared to belong to a wide variety of both carnivorous and herbivorous species, and were amazingly diverse and “yucky.”

City Hall employees also reported that at approximately the same time as the load of Icky Stuff appeared, power surges and outages began to affect all areas of the building and phones began ringing for no reason. There were also reports of myserious calls which seemed to target one office in particular. “Whenever I answered there were would be nothing on the line except what sounded like ... well, it sounded like hysterically laughing cats--a different cat each time. It was very unnerving, especially since I don’t have a secretary to take care of me,” sniffled the city employee who received the majority of these unexplained prank calls.

The same city employee found that her house was one of the two which was buried under the same Icky Smelly Stuff that covered City Hall. The other house belonged to a City Concil member, who refused to be identified. “I can’t continue my work if people know who I am,” the unnamed councilman said, standing in front of his pungent abode.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC KEEPS RESIDENTS AWAKE

Emergency phone lines were busy with calls from neighborhood residents reporting the sounds of unseen bagpipes and cacaphonies of cats yowling, sounding strangely like feline renditions of popular tunes. No cats or bagpipers were seen, however, and emergency personnel made a plea for the public to restrict their calls to real emergencies, such as “dirty diapers falling out of airplanes on your house.”

UNIDENTIFIED FELINE OBJECTS?

There has been speculation as to whether these bizarre happenings have any connection to the recent Air Force report attempting to explain a long-rumored alien crash landing at Roswell, New Mexico, or the fiftieth anniversary of the first modern sightings of flying saucers circling Mount Rainier in Washington State. These speculations were fueled by reported sightings of an unidentified group of flying objects appearing to include helicopters, planes, and at least one large pink bird flying low over the area. A shaken commuter plane pilot said that he flew close enough to one of the UFOs to look in the windows: “The pilot looked like a very large ... cat,” he said. “A cat with a leather jacket and flight helmet. And the rest of the crew were cats, too. There were some very tough-looking cats there.” The unnamed pilot was unavailable for further comment. His employers said only that he was on “indefinite leave for health reasons.”

This article was followed by a second. After that, the cyberwaves went strangely silent.

MORE STRANGE OCCURRENCES

More strange occurrences have shaken up the residents of a small town in M****. Reports are coming in describing large “tank-like” vehicles sporting rocket launchers rumbling through the countryside. Local military authorities deny any knowledge of secret maneuvers that would explain tanks and rocket launchers so close to town.

These reports are from the same region where piles of what has been technically referred to as “nasty smelly yucky stuff” recently fell on a portion of City Hall and the residences of two city employees. Shortly afterwards, reports of unexplained noises and sightings of UFOs (unidentified feline objects) overwhelmed local media and emergency systems. Even the U.S. Post Office received complaints from at least two addresses about deliveries of anonymous parcels containing what appeared to be hurked-up feline hairballs, carefully packed in colorful bubble wrap.

STORES SEE RUN ON SUPPLIES

Nervous residents are stripping the shelves of local stores of basics such as bottled water, canned food, industrial strength disinfectant, and clumping kitty litter, while tarps, plywood, and anything else that might be used to construct house shields are flying out hardware store doors. “We don’t want our houses to be next,” exclaimed panicked citizens.

ALIENS GET BLAME

Some residents are also stocking up on canned catfood, cat treats, and cat toys against the rumored possibility that felinoid aliens are responsible for the recent depredations. Another theory that normal felis domestica might somehow be involved has been rejected by scientists. “If you think ordinary housecats--not to mention dogs, birds, and ferrets--could be responsible for something like this, you might as well think they could talk, use computers, build space stations and dance the macarena. That’s just silly,” one expert snorted.

“YUCKY STUFF” AGAINST CODE

The two city employees whose homes were previously devastated by piles of what scientists referred to as “poop” and “yucky” stuff, got more bad news when they were told that their homes no longer met city code requirements. “You can’t live in a house covered with poop,” a code enforcement spokesperson announced. “The neighbors complain. It has to be cleaned up.”

The affected portion of City Hall was also cordoned off, and the City Council has been forced to meet in the hallway leading to the furnace room, the only free space remaining in the building. “It looks like it could be something left over from the days of the Underground Railroad,” an unnamed council member groused.

PUNDITS AT LOSS

Pundits are at a loss to explain the bizarre happenings or to predict what might happen next. Officials asked that any more strange occurrences be reported to City Hall’s new Really Yucky Stuff UFO Hotline for inclusion in the next State of the City report.

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