The Ballard Bunch Meet Santa Claws

by Talisker Pippin

Sometimes Sherry our Hoomin does very strange things.  Like the times she took us to meet Santa Claws and get our pikchurs taked.  The first time it was Ceilidh Flurrydance who met Santa, and it was a special time because it was her last Kissamouse wif us before she went to the Rainbow Bridge.  This is how Ceilidh described it in her Diary:

November 15, 1998: This afternoon Sherry my Hoomin asked me, "Do you want to go see Santa Claws?" I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but if it meant getting in my brandy noo bloo carrier and riding in the metalmonster car, the answer was "No!" But she didn't listen to me furry gud. She said, "You know, Ceilidh, this might be our last Kissamouse. And it's a benefit for the Humane Society.  That's a good cause!  Let's do it!" An then she grabbed me an this time she shoved me in the teal bloo canvas carrier wif long straps that she can carry on her shoulder like a shoulderbagpurse. An off we went inna metalmonster car.  We drived and drived and drived. Lots farther than when we go to TED. An then we got out an walked an walked an walked.  We were inna big building wif a long long hallway that Meowmie called a "mall" an at the end uv the hallway we stood in a long long line. There were lotza hoomins inna line an they all had cats or d*gs wif them. Mostly there were d*gs. There were grate big d*gs called mastiffs. An there were furry d*gs wif curly tails that went "woo woo woo" alla time. An there were itty bitty d*gs that were held in their hoomins' arms called miniature poodles. An there were some cats in carriers but those carriers hadda sit onna ground an thuh d*gs came an sniffed them an then the cats said nasty things to the d*gs like "I'm gonna rip yew apart when I git OWWWWWT!" I was glad I was inna teal bloo shoulderbag carrier, cuz nod*g knew I wuz there.

Finally we got to the front ov the line an Meowmie took me outta da carrier an we sat down onna bench by a big hoomin male inna red soot. It wuz Santa Claws, but as yew will see frum da pikchur below, he wuz not appropriately impurressed wif my own lovely brown self.  He also wuz not quite az big an round az I've heard he's spozed to be.  My own hoomin haz a much better belly that shakes like a bowlful uv jelly than he did. She's really fluffy, not fake fluffy like that Santa Claws.

Well, after just a couple minnits onna bench, it wuz all over. I went back inna teal bloo shoulderbag carrrier, we walked back to the metalmonster car, we drived and drived and drived back home. No needles no pills no TED. Not as bad as it cudda been.  An when it wuz all ofur, we got da pikchur yew see above, wif Santa Claws (inna red), Meowmie (da fluffy one) an me, Ceilidh Flurrydance, da slimbrown Siamese inna hoomin arms. Happy Kissmouse efurrykitty!

The second time Ballard Bunch kitties met Santa Claws was the next year (1999), and it was us, Skye Silversong and me, Talisker Pippin.  It all started one Friday morning in November.  When Meowmie got up, she took Skye into the bafroom wif her and when she left, she closed the door and left Skye there.  All day long!  Well, that made me think something was up--maybe it was really Meowmie's evul twin (she has one, you know, who sneaks in an takes us to TED -- The Evul Doctor -- an takes us to prizzin which she calls a Happy Holliday Hideaway Boarding Hotel), so when she came home from werk, and sat down onna bed to watch teevee and read e-mails, I came in to say hello, but ... well, I readed her mind, an I ranned!  She reached out her hand to pet me, and I ranned away fastfast because I knew she was gonna grab me and make me and Skye do something we didn't want to do.   Skye was still inna bafroom, but not me!  I was behind da couch.  Way behind da couch where Meowmie's Evul Twin couldn't reach me at all.  An if she mooved da couch, well, I could runrun away faster than she could get back there to grab me.  So I was safe.  I thot!

Later that night, she went to bed.  Skye was still inna bafroom.  But I thot maybe Real Meowmie had come back, so I went into da bedroom to check it out, an she grabbed me!  An taked me to da bafroom.  An Skye an me hadda stay inna SAME ROOM.  BOF UV US!!  Da WHOLE NITE!   And that Evul Twin had the nerve to say, "This would be all over by now if you'd cooperated, Tally.  But now we have to wait till morning."  As if it wuz MY FAULT!!!

The next morning, Meowmie's Evul Twin came and got us.  She put harnesses and leashes on us.  Skye's was brite bloo an mine was brite pink (to match my nose she said).  An then we were put in carriers.  Skye was in the noo bloo carrier that matched Ceilidh's eyes, and I was in the teal bloo canvas bag carrier.  And we all went out to the metalmonster car, and it growled and shaked and off we went.  We drived and drived and drived and drived.  Meowmie's Evul Twin said "We aren't going to TED.  We aren't going to prizzin.  We're going to see Santa Claws, like Ceilidh did last year.  And then we're coming home."  Well, Skye kept saying, "WE WANNA GO HOME" as loud as she could, but the Evul Twin kept driving.

Finally we stopped driving and da Evul Twin taked us out of da metalmonster and carried us into a great big In.  I guess Santa Claws wasn't there yet, because she put our carriers down onna bench and sat down beside us.  By this time Skye and I were both being quiet and invisible so no monsters would get us.  After a while we got carried to a table and then we sat there forever and ever.  The Evul Twin stood beside us, and more and more hoomins came to stand there too.  These hoomins had d*gs with them -- all kinds of d*gs -- liddle bitty ones and great big ones and loud barking ones and wiggly jumpy ones.  Some of the hoomins tried putting ribbon bows or pretend reindeer antlers on the d*gs, and some d*gs didn't mind, and others shook them off.  At least Meowmie's Evul Twin said that she wouldn't do that to us -- that making us come out to the Mall at all was enough imposition.  More than enough, I think!

Finally we got moved off the table and taked out of the carriers.  There was Meowmie (or her Evul Twin), sitting beside a strange male hoomin wif white furs all over his face.  The Evul Twin taked Skye in her arms, and the male hoomin helded me.  We were so confyoosed by efurryfing that we reached out and touched noses.  We nefur do that.  The silly hoomins said, "Ah!  They're kissing!"  AS IF!! At least Meowmie knew better than that. I'm a TuffGurlKitty and I don't kiss nokitty.  Except my winkwink, Pandora Pussycat.  And Real Meowmie of course.  So there.

But then other hoomins waved fevver sticks and jingle balls in front of us, and flashed brite lites in our faces.  And then -- poof -- it was all over.  We were put back in our carriers, and carried back to the metalmonster, and we drived and drived and drived and drived and then we were home.  As soon as I got out of my carrier I went back behind the couch.  I was gonna wait till Real Meowmie camed home and kicked her Evul Twin out the door.  But Skye thought that as soon as we were home it was Real Meowmie back again, and so she went and curled up on her lap and purrrrred and carried on.  Me, I waited a good long time to make sure it was really Real Meowmie.  I stayed behind that couch for two days and didn't let myself be petted or grabbed for another week.

But I guess it was okay -- you can see the picture below.  That's Skye, in Meowmie's arms (unless it really was her Evul Twin), and that's me, Talisker Pippin, giving my best TuffGurlKitty glare from Santa's arms.   We've been promised that we won't have to do this again -- that seeing Santa Claws once is all we need.  So if that's the case, well, it's over and we all survived.  So HAPPY KISSAMOUSE to all!

Paw Ess from Skye Silversong:

Tally is being silly.  It wasn't fun, but it wasn't so bad either.  And when we got home, Sherry our Hoomin gaved us whole cans of Fancy Feetz.  And I got lotza smoked sammun frum her sammich.  An we got this nice pikchur of us an Sherry our Hoomin an Santa Claws.  And it was a bennyfit for the Hoomane Society, which finds TrooHomes for homeless kitties.  And I got sammun.